


Regrets Collect Like Old Friends

by fearlessly



Category: Glee
Genre: Angst, Blaine and Sam are only background characters, Brief mention of Finn's death, Canon Divergent - slightly, F/M, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, References to Depression, self-depreciating thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-02
Updated: 2017-06-02
Packaged: 2018-11-08 00:53:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11070636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fearlessly/pseuds/fearlessly
Summary: After the engagement gets called off, Kurt turns to Mercedes. Will she be able to help while she's on her first national tour?This is a story about friendship and self-discovery.





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

  * For [redheadgleek](https://archiveofourown.org/users/redheadgleek/gifts).



> This was born when the fabulous redheadgleek requested a Kurtcedes story via the Fandom Trumps Hate Charity Auction. Thank you, redheadgleek, for giving me this opportunity. Above all, I hope that you like it. 
> 
> Thanks to the Fandom Trumps Hate organizers, and to everyone who participated in any way. You guys have done incredible work.
> 
> Thanks also to my friend, beta, comma queen, and cheerleader, [Aj4668](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Aj4668), for her invaluable help with all aspects of this fic. I couldn't have written this without her.

In retrospect, Mercedes Jones should have seen it coming.

 

But when one is on a multi-city national tour and trying to jump start her promising and young career, it’s easy to miss things – even significant things, like the demise of her friend’s heart.

 

At first, when Mercedes starts to receive weightier and more frequent texts from him than what’s been customary the past few years, she doesn’t think anything of it. Kurt Hummel is her friend, and has been for a long time. So she responds in the usual way, asking him how things are going in New York, and telling him about all the incredible things she’s been experiencing on her first national tour.

 

She doesn’t immediately notice when Kurt’s texts ping at odd hours. She is busy performing six nights a week, and scheduled almost down to the minute. After each show, she rushes off stage to the hotel, where she takes much needed time for herself and winds down from the adrenaline. After her nightly bubble bath, she goes to bed to do it all over again the next day. Her days start at the crack of dawn, and are filled with press engagements, rehearsals for any choreography or vocal tweaks, wardrobe and makeup, then fan meet-and-greets. She eats when she can, often on the go, which leaves little time for catching up with family, and even less time for friends. She loves her family and friends, but Mercedes wouldn’t have it any other way.

 

It’s not until three weeks after receiving Kurt’s initial succession of texts, on a random Thursday night, that she realizes there is something wrong – something wrong with Kurt. Mercedes is riding in the town car on her way to her downtown Atlanta hotel, after having performed her show, when her phone vibrates:

 

_[From Kurt:]_

_Cedes, are you there? I really messed up. I don’t know what to do._

_[From Mercedes:]_

_Right here, Boo. Are you okay?_

_[From Kurt:]_

_No. Not okay._

Mercedes doesn’t remember ever dialing someone’s number so fast. Kurt answers on the first ring and the first thing she hears is hitched breathing and sniffling. She instantly becomes worried because in all the years she’s known Kurt, she has seen him cry in angst only a handful of times. The most prominent memories that flash through her mind are Burt’s heart attack and when they lost Finn.  Whatever has happened to Kurt has to be bad.

 

“Kurt? What’s happened? Are you okay? Is it your dad? Is it Blaine?” Mercedes says as she grips her phone tighter, not sure she really wants to hear the answer.

 

“I… I messed up, Cedes.” Kurt is sniffling, and she can tell that he is trying hard not to sob into the phone.

 

“You’re going to be okay, Kurt. Just tell me what happened.”

 

“He’s gone.”

 

Dread fills Mercedes’s heart; the word _gone_ could mean so many terrible things. “Who’s gone, Boo?”

 

“Blaine.” Kurt’s voice comes out in a whisper, like saying his fiancé’s name physically hurts.

 

“What do you mean gone? Where … where did he go?” Mercedes asks, swallowing the lump in her throat.

 

Kurt’s breathing hitches again, and this time he can’t stop the sobs that come out of his mouth. Mercedes clutches the phone closer and plugs her other ear so that she can hear the words through his hysteria.

 

“I call … called it off. The wedding, I mean. I told … told him that I don’t want to mar-ry him … and he left. We br-oke up, Cedes, and I don’t … I don’t know what to do.”

 

When the town car pulls up to her hotel, Mercedes gets out and quickly makes her way inside.

 

“Oh Boo. Okay, first take some deep breaths for me. Can you do that?”

 

Kurt breathes, but it sounds pained. “O-okay,” he says. He breathes in deeply a few times while Mercedes rushes down the hallway towards her room.

 

Once she has shut the door behind her, she notices that Kurt is calmer. She asks him the question she already knows the answer to, but is dreading anyway.

 

“Kurt? When you told Blaine that you didn’t want to marry him were you serious? You really don’t want to marry him?”

 

The pause in Kurt’s answer makes Mercedes bite her lip. Deep down, she knows. Everyone in their circle of friends knows that Kurt and Blaine are meant for each other, that they are soulmates.

 

Kurt’s soft voice breaks. “It’s really scary to think about getting married this young and … and to commit to someone for life. It’s a big thing Cedes. It’s not something I take lightly, but yes. I want to marry him more than anything,” Kurt breathes out his anguish. “He’s the only one … but by lashing out in a fit of panic and stress, I pushed him away and lost him forever.”

 

Mercedes listens to Kurt break down again and her heart breaks for her friend. She doesn’t know the details, and is not sure that Kurt is in a well-enough state to tell her what really happened between them. Last time she was in New York City, Blaine was preparing to move back into the loft, and he and Kurt seemed happy and more connected than ever.

 

“Boo,” she says carefully, “is it possible for you to tell him what you’ve just told me? Call him and let him know that you made a mistake. Maybe apologize and work through it. Blaine loves you. He’ll understand.”

 

“I don’t know where he is.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“This … this all happened about three weeks ago. We had a big fight, he moved out in a matter of days, and I haven’t heard from him since, despite my trying to get a hold of him. Last I heard from Artie, he’s left New York.”

 

“Three weeks, Kurt?” Suddenly it all makes sense to Mercedes, Kurt’s texting having become more frequent and sometimes in the middle of the night. Kurt must’ve been going through hell during that time, judging by the state he’s in now, almost a month after the fact. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

 

“I’m ashamed, Cedes. I really screwed up. Besides, I wasn’t in any kind of headspace to speak with anyone. I didn’t even call my dad until a week after.”

 

“I understand but Kurt, we have been through so much together. You know you never have to feel ashamed around me.”

 

“I just felt bad.” Kurt whispers. “I mean, we haven’t been the closest of friends, not like we used to be…”

 

“Kurt…”

 

“No, really. I know we kind of grew apart, and I don’t even know why. You were my first real friend, Cedes, and my best friend for a while. I just … I didn’t want to bother you with my problems while you’re working and touring and making a name for yourself, which by the way, I am so proud of you for.”

 

Mercedes lays back onto her bed and smiles at her friend’s praise. Kurt has always been proud and supportive of her talents, dating back to their early days in The New Directions. “Well, I’m glad you reached out to me now, Kurt. I’ve missed you. I know that you would call Rachel if any of us knew where she was hiding…”

 

“No, Mercedes.” Kurt’s voice sobers at Mercedes’s admission. “I love Rachel, but I know that she wouldn’t be able to help with this. You know how she gets when she’s caught up in her own life. Plus, last time Blaine and I broke up, she and Finn broke up, too, and I don’t want to trigger anything for her. I…” Kurt sighs as his voice fades into silence.

 

“Kurt?”

 

“I’m the worst fiancé,” he whispers, his voice sorrowful. “I’m the worst friend.”

 

“No, Kurt. We’ll have none of that. You are one of the most caring and compassionate people I know. You are also one of the strongest people I know, and you are going to get through this. I’m going to help you.”

 

“It’s too late, Cedes. Blaine has moved on.” Kurt laments. “After he moved out I tried to call him. I don’t even know why. I guess I wanted to make sure he was okay – because I sure as hell wasn’t. He didn’t answer, and he never returned my voicemail or my texts.”

 

Mercedes is pretty sure Blaine has not moved on. Anyone who truly knows him realizes that Blaine must have left New York City in shambles, and didn’t return Kurt’s calls because he simply _couldn’t_. “It’s never too late,” she encourages.

 

“One of the last things he said to me was that he’d never forgive me.”

 

“Boo, you know what my mantra has always been, don’t you?”

 

“Hell to the no?”

 

Mercedes laughs. “That’s one of them. But I meant: never say, never.”

 

+

 

The next morning, Mercedes is dead on her feet, but of course, she doesn’t show it. No one became a star by baring their weaknesses or daily struggles. It’s six in the morning, but Mercedes looks red-carpet fabulous. As she slides into the town car, her assistant Denise hands her a large vanilla soy latte, and tells her that there’s an extra shot of espresso in it this morning. Mercedes gives her a grateful smile and takes a careful sip, the caffeine immediately working its magic and giving her the extra boost she needs.

 

The night prior, she stayed up a couple hours past her bedtime talking with Kurt. She knew she’d have to be up early for a local radio interview, but she didn’t have the heart to hang up on him when he had been so distraught. He divulged so much of what has been going on in his life, stuff that she didn’t know because she wasn’t in New York City anymore, although she thinks that even if she had been, she may not have picked up on it.

 

She realizes that even when she lived in New York and Blaine was living with her, she hadn’t been as good a friend as she could have been. She had been so wrapped up in producing her album, preparing for the tour, and of course, things with Sam, that she hadn’t put enough energy into really knowing what was going on in Kurt’s life. Besides, he had Blaine and Rachel to keep him company, so Mercedes had let herself float along in the background.

 

She had thought it was fine at the time, but looking back on it, that’s not the person she wants to be. She doesn’t want to be a floater. She wants to be engaged with her friends, more like how she was in high school. It’s true she didn’t have many friends back then, but the ones she did have were special. As teenagers they had their moments, but they were always there for one another when it came right down to it. Despite her determined focus on becoming a star, she now knows that there are other things in life more important than fame.

                                                                            

So she couldn’t let Kurt down last night, not in the state he was in. She was just going to have to push through the interview and whatever else was planned for today (Denise hadn’t yet told her the itinerary, probably sensing that Mercedes needed some extra time with her thoughts this morning). Maybe she’d get a nap later before show time. Wishful thinking never hurt anyone.

 

Many hours later, after having done more press, a photo shoot, and a full show (she never did get that nap in), she was getting settled on the plane to take her to the next city when she received a text message.

 

_[From Kurt:]_

_Thanks Cedes for last night. I actually got some sleep, although I did eat a whole pint of rocky road today. I found one of B’s socks in the bottom of the laundry hamper and that set me off. One step forward and two steps back, huh?_

 

_[From Mercedes:]_

_Aww, Boo, baby steps. I’m sorry you had a rough day._

_[From Mercedes:]_

_Wait … you had ice cream without me? Am I going to have to cancel my tour so that we can plant ourselves on your couch and keep Ben and Jerry’s in business?_

 

_[From Kurt:]_

_As much as I love my Mercedes-couch time (and Ben and Jerry’s), I’d never let that happen. You are bound for great things._

_[From Mercedes:]_

_So are you, Kurt._

 

When the smiley-face emoji appears on her screen, Mercedes makes a little fist pump. Kurt is taking baby steps, though she isn’t so blind to think he won’t fall or take a couple steps back throughout the process – he said it himself. If little things like finding an old sock can set her friend off, she knows he is not in the right place yet. In that moment, Mercedes vows to help him through it as much as she can. She wants to support him, but also, it’s her duty to support him – as his friend. She realizes that their bond runs deep. It all started the day they met in the McKinley hallways. She had felt the connection even then, and the day Kurt had made her the first person he entrusted with his coming out, was the day she knew they would be friends forever.  No amount of fame or distance will change that, especially not when Kurt is in dire need of her friendship.


	2. Chapter Two

Three days later, the smiley-face emoji is replaced by a sad-face emoji.

 

_[From Kurt:]_

_Cedes, do you have time for a call?_

_[From Mercedes:]_

_I have half an hour before I have to go to the venue. Wanna Skype?_

 

The moment Kurt appears on the screen of her laptop, her heart sinks. Kurt looks unkempt; Kurt never looks unkempt. Mercedes notices that he is wearing an old Dalton sweatshirt, which looks like it’s too small for him; she assumes it had belonged to Blaine at some point. His hair is flat and disheveled, he has stubble on his face, his eyes are red-rimmed, and he looks too pale and too skinny, even for him. The most glaring thing though, is that her friend just looks unbearably sad.

                                                                                                                                                              

“Boo, what happened?”

 

“No one showed up.”

 

“Where?”

 

“On the corner.”

 

“What corner... oh.” Mercedes lowers the glass of water she was about to drink from and looks at Kurt with a sad expression, the guilt weighing heavy in her chest.

 

Kurt seems to lose himself gazing into his mug of tea. “I mean, I don’t know why I ever thought that my friends would actually show up. I know everyone’s busy, no one lives here, well except for Artie, so I don’t know why he didn’t come…” Kurt is rambling, but Mercedes lets him because it is obvious he needs to get everything off his chest.

 

“…But I don’t expect for you to drop everything, for San and Britt to leave God knows where, for Sam to travel from Lima, and for Rachel to crawl out of her cave to meet up on a corner. Even when it was suggested all those months ago, I never dared to hope that everyone would actually show up, but I knew that it would be okay because I would be there and Blaine would be there and we would laugh at the ridiculous suggestion that everyone drop their lives and come back to New York, then he would have taken me out for cheesecake and … and … and then…” Kurt breaks down, abandoning his mug of tea and pressing his face into his hands.

 

“Kurt,” Mercedes says quietly, and when he doesn’t look up she repeats it a little louder, “Kurt, sugar, look at me.”

 

Kurt does. He looks at his friend with hopelessness in his eyes and tears streaming down his cheeks.

 

“It’s not about all of us not showing up,” Mercedes says with gentleness to her voice. “It’s about not sharing the experience with Blaine, isn’t it?”

 

Kurt cries, unable to stop the hot tears that trail down his face. He wraps his arms around his mid-section, desperately trying to soothe himself. “I miss him so much. I don’t even know what to do with myself anymore.”

 

“I know Boo, but one thing you can’t do is go on like this…”

 

“I know,” Kurt interrupts. “I just … I have never felt this way, this helpless, this destroyed. I guess in the past, even when Blaine and I were on the rocks, I knew that we would always end up together, but now it … it feels so final, Cedes. And I can’t … I just can’t cope with that. I don’t want to be without him.”

 

Kurt takes a breath then brings his knees up to his chest and curls up in his chair. “I mean, at the end we were bickering and even fighting a lot, but I’d take that over this. What’s worse is that I caused it. I hurt him and made him leave; it’s not what I wanted at all.”

 

“Of course it isn’t. And I know you miss him and I bet that he misses you too, Kurt.”

 

“I just … I just want to stop feeling like a horrible person. I hate myself, Mercedes. I hate what I did to him and to our future. I was so scared to go through with the wedding and I don’t even know why. It’s not like we haven’t been planning our futures since high school. We’ve talked about it all, spending the rest of our lives together, buying a house … God, we even talked about having kids,” Kurt bites his lip and diverts his gaze back into his mug. “Now that he’s gone… everything is just so grey. He made me feel safe and loved.”

                                                                                                                                                  

Mercedes’s heart lurches as she watches Kurt unravel. She takes advantage of the pause in conversation to take a good look at Kurt through the monitor. She notices that aside from his unkempt state, the loft in the background looks like a hurricane has torn through it. If there is one think Kurt hates, it’s a messy space. Never in her life has she entered his home, not in Lima, not in New York, and found even one spoon out of place. The piles of dishes, the empty cartons of ice cream left on the counter, pots on the stove, and the piles of tissues, papers, and empty glasses littering the table is sign enough that Kurt needs help. He needs more than just a weekly call to his friend.

 

She’s far from a relationship specialist, but she knows her friend. Even after drifting apart, she can tell when Kurt is not being himself. This is not only one of those times, but the most glaring of times. Kurt is falling apart and although it is immediately due to the break up, Mercedes senses that the issue stems from a much deeper place. Her thoughts are interrupted by Kurt’s sniffles and the blowing of his nose.

 

“Kurt, listen to me for a minute okay?”

 

Kurt nods and looks up; his gaze is sad.

 

“I love you and I am here for you whenever you need me, as often as this tour will allow me to talk with you I will.”

 

“I know that, Cedes. And I really appreciate all the time you’re taking…”

 

“I’m not finished, Boo.”

 

Kurt snaps his mouth shut and waits for her to continue.

 

“Have you talked to your dad about all this?”

 

Kurt’s eyes widen. “He … he knows about the break-up. I couldn’t keep that from him, but he doesn’t know my struggles. I can’t Mercedes. I … his heart. I can’t worry him.”

 

Mercedes thinks that Burt certainly knows Kurt’s struggles, perhaps not the totality of them, but he, as well as everyone, knows the effect that Blaine and Kurt have on each other. There is no way that Burt thinks his son is peachy keen after the break-up. But that’s a conversation for a different time. Kurt would hate himself even more if he realized that Burt must know the turmoil he’s in.

 

“I know Kurt, but I think you need some help. Have you thought about seeing a therapist?”

 

Kurt blinks and looks at Mercedes through the camera. “You think I need a therapist?”

 

Mercedes presses her lips together and gives Kurt the most loving smile she can. “Yes, sugar.”

 

Kurt’s face scrunches up slightly as he tries not to break down again. “How did it come to this?”

 

“Needing therapy is nothing to be ashamed of, Kurt.”

 

“Oh. I know, I just… Finn. I went to see one after Finn. My dad made me, but I found that I didn’t want to talk to a stranger about my brother, or about how I was feeling. It was too fresh, so I didn’t talk to anyone about it actually, not until Blaine made me. He always had this way about him … to make me talk, to make me open up to him. I know it must’ve been exhausting for him because I retreat inside myself so much.” Kurt stops and shakes his head, chasing the memories away. “Anyway, I was more worried about Carole and Rachel.”

 

“Well now it’s time to worry about you, Kurt”

 

Kurt’s silence prompts Mercedes to say more. “Just give it a try. One appointment.”

 

“I don’t know where to start.”

 

“I do. Let me send you the details.”

 

+

 

When Mercedes arrives at the theatre, she is immediately led into her dressing room where her wardrobe, hair, and makeup teams are situated. She gets changed with the help of her stylist, donning a long gold lame skirt and a black bustier-style top that has become her signature opening look. During the planning stages, her style team had recommended she wear it without a cover, but that fell on deaf ears as Mercedes insisted she wear a sheer golden wrap around her shoulders and arms (Mercedes was nothing if not modest). An hour into her first show, however, she decided that layers of fabric were just not conducive to performing for two hours under the heat of the lights and the crowd. She admits now that the bustier makes her look fabulous, if not a little exposed.

 

Once she is in her opening outfit, she sits herself down for the hair and make-up team to work their magic. This part of the preparation takes the longest, about two hours, so it’s usually the time when Mercedes corresponds with her mom. This particular day though, her mother is somewhere over the Pacific on her way to a well-deserved vacation, so Mercedes has some time to reflect, something she is not often predisposed to.

 

Her thoughts naturally drift to Kurt. She feels heaviness in her heart as she remembers the look of utter failure in Kurt’s eyes when they had Skyped earlier. She has never seen him like this – Kurt is usually the strong one, the one who brings everyone up, the one who never lets anything get to him – not like this anyway.

 

He has been through a lot in his life: his mother’s death, dealing with his sexuality, the bullying, his father’s health, losing his brother … he was even the victim of a hate crime last year. Despite all the turmoil Kurt has experienced, Mercedes has never seen him as lost as he has been these past few weeks. It’s a testament to how vital his connection with Blaine is, and to the fact that they make each other better. She doesn’t even want to think about how Blaine must be handling (or not handling) things right now. Even if Kurt doesn’t believe it, Mercedes just knows that they will be together in the end. In the meantime, she thinks, Kurt needs to take care of himself. He needs to work out his internal angst, his worries, his fears, so that when he finds Blaine again he will be better prepared to love wholeheartedly.

 

This leads her to think about her own life. Kurt has always been so driven and focused on his career, just as she has been with hers. They have always had that in common, but now Kurt’s priority lies in love, in his relationship (however broken it may be), and in healing his heart.

 

Her heart isn’t broken. She doesn’t feel the need to be in a relationship, but maybe she is putting too much stock in her career and her personal journey towards fame. If this tour has taught her anything, it’s that the road to stardom is a lot of hard work. She is not afraid of that, she definitely puts in the work, but she realizes that she can only put in the work for so long. What happens when in the blink of an eye all this is gone? What will she do when there are no more number one hits, no more screaming fans, no more interest? Who will she go home to? Her faux-hua-hua? Her parents?

 

Mercedes closes her eyes, allowing the makeup artist to work on her lids and eyebrows. This definitely won’t last as long as she would like it to, because nothing this good lasts forever. But she’s not going to let this lifestyle, this sense of achievement, this joyous part of her life go without a fight. She will continue to work, to create, and to nurture those professional relationships for as long as she can. But she knows she will have to make time for love and romance, too. It doesn’t have to be anything serious, but she needs to stop closing off her heart to companionship and potential love.

 

Her thoughts lead her to the realization that she pushed Sam away. She used the no-sex-before-marriage thing as an excuse, which is not saying she would give her virginity away to just anyone, but Sam is not just anyone. He never has been. It isn’t her virginity that she is worried about, it is her heart. It is entirely too easy to fall for Sam, and that scares her. But she wants someone like Sam, not because she needs a man in her life to support her, but because she wants to share her success and her joy with him. She wants someone to come home to at the end of the day. She wants what Kurt has with Blaine … maybe not what they have right now, but what they have had in the past and what she’s sure they will have in the future.

 

It’s not lost on her that, as she helps her friend on his journey to healing, she is helping herself too. She’s guiding him to realize that it’s okay to be broken and to take the time he needs to heal. It is okay to hope for the future he has wanted since he was a boy. But Kurt … he’s helping Mercedes to realize that there’s more to life than success and careers. There’s romance, desire, love. Mercedes definitely wants some of that.

 

Just as the artist is putting the finishing touches to her lipstick, and the stylist is putting a final pin in her hair, Mercedes sends two texts:

 

_[To Kurt:]_

_Hey Boo. Tonight I’ll be emailing you the details of the therapist I know in NYC. I think you’ll like her._

_[To Sam:]_

_Hey Sam, I’m about to go on stage soon but I’ve been thinking about you today and wanted to catch up. Can I call you tomorrow morning?_

 

With that, Mercedes hops off the glam chair, places her phone in her purse for Denise to take care of, and starts warming up her voice.


	3. Chapter Three

Mercedes is mesmerized by the turquoise water as she gazes into the horizon. She revels in the hot sun warming her skin, and in the sand between her toes. It’s been a long time since she’s had a chance to really relax. The tour has taken a lot out of her, but the physical work isn’t as demanding as her thoughts have been. Recently, her mind has been on Kurt … as well as on her own future.

                                                                                                               

Her show last night was in Miami. Today, with it being her day off, she decided to take advantage of her location and have a beach day. So she and Denise are lying on bright blue towels with a beach umbrella protecting them from the harsh rays, and cool drinks to keep them hydrated.

 

She has the time to think, and process, and plan. It’s been a week since she last spoke with Sam. He had been happy to hear her voice and, if she is being honest, she was happy to hear his, too. They talked about some things and Mercedes ended up telling him what she has learned about herself – and how she thinks that they have missed an opportunity. Sam, of course, offered to fly to her whenever and wherever she was, which happened to be Houston, at the time. Mercedes, who was internally thrilled with Sam’s eagerness, ended up declining his offer because she doesn’t need any distractions from her tour.

 

Later, she reprimanded herself because she had fallen right back into the hole she is trying to climb out of. She doesn’t know why she is so scared to let Sam get close. Or maybe she does know, but isn’t willing to admit it to herself. Sam softens her. Not in a way that makes her weak, but in a way that makes her stronger. Sam allows her to be herself – all of herself. The problem with that is that it’s a distraction. When she’s on stage singing, or in the studio recording, or doing press, she doesn’t have time for the other aspects of her life, for other interests, for wanting a husband, a constant home, kids, family. She can’t have anyone depending on her or holding her accountable for where she is and what she’s doing (aside from her mother and Denise, of course).

 

But now, as the Floridian breeze caresses her skin and she is able to take a moment’s breath, she realizes that she can compromise. She can have both. To be truly happy, she will have to. She doesn’t need to cancel her career and get married right now. But that doesn’t mean she can’t have Sam in her life, to romance her, to spend time with, to discover herself with. They don’t have to be together 24/7, but there is nothing wrong with dropping that arms-length she’s always kept him at and letting him in.

 

Just as Mercedes is internally planning on how to integrate Sam back into her life, and what she is going to say to him next time they talk, her phone rings. It’s muffled in the bottom of her beach bag, but she finally finds it and answers.

                                                                                                                                                           

“Mercedes, it’s not working, this is just not for me.” Kurt cries in greeting.

 

She can tell that he is quickly becoming hysterical and she suddenly remembers that today was Kurt’s first appointment with his therapist. “I’m guessing it didn’t’ go well?”

 

“Every-thing just re … reminds me of him, Cedes. I tried to … to answer her ques-tions about myself, but all I could t-talk about was him … I _miss_ him. I don’t …”

 

“Kurt, calm down, sugar,” Mercedes interrupts. “You need to breathe. Come on.”

 

Beside her, Denise senses that Mercedes needs some privacy. She squeezes her shoulder and offers a smile before getting up and treading into the ocean. Mercedes is grateful for her foresight. She turns her attention back to Kurt who is sobbing on the other end of the line.

 

“Breath with me Boo, in through your nose and out through your mouth.”

 

Kurt breathes with her. She can hear it through the receiver. It takes a little bit of time but he slowly relaxes to a point where he’s able to speak to her. “They were simple questions. Where I’m from, what I study, about my family, you know, just the normal introductory questions, but all of a sudden I just started talking … or rambling is more like it and all I could talk about was how wonderful Blaine…” Kurt pauses to catch his breath, and Mercedes senses that he’s having troubles even saying Blaine’s name. “How wonderful Blaine is and about how much I hurt him and miss him.”

 

“How did the therapist react?”

 

“She did what they all do. She nodded, encouraged, and never interrupted me. She wrote down a whole bunch of stuff and when it was over, she told me to book another appointment with her for Friday.”

 

“That’s in two days.”

 

“Yeah. I’m a mess huh?”

 

“No you’re not. You’re going through something very emotional and painful right now, but Kurt, you’re taking the right steps. Baby steps, remember?”

 

“I don’t know if I should see her again. I’m a little embarrassed.”

 

“Kurt, as a friend who loves you, I’m telling you that you’re being ridiculous. That therapist has probably heard everything under the sun. It’s her job to listen, analyze, and guide you to some solutions. Don’t base your experience off of one meeting that you thought went wrong, because I bet you she thought it went very well. You opened up to her and I think the next time you see her it will be easier.”

 

Kurt takes an audible sigh. “I’ve always loved that about you, Cedes. Tough love.”

 

Mercedes laughs. “You can thank my father for that. I learned from the best.”

 

“I’ll thank him the next time I see him,” Kurt says with amusement in his voice. “Thank you, Mercedes.”

 

“You’re welcome. I’m here for you anytime, Boo.”

 

“Oh, I’m sorry if I interrupted anything,” Kurt says, coming more to his senses. “Are you working?”

 

“No. I’m lying on the beach in Miami. The struggle is real today,” she laughs.

 

“Oh god, I bugged you on your day off,” Kurt squeaks.

 

“No, you did no such thing. I was all alone in my thoughts anyway. I’m happy you called.”

 

“Care to share what you were thinking about?”

 

Mercedes smiles but decides to keep her thoughts to herself. She’ll eventually tell Kurt what she’s been mulling over, but for right now she wants to keep it between herself and Sam. Besides, Kurt has enough to deal with at the moment. “Oh, nothing much, just some stuff I’m working on.”

 

“That sounds mysterious,” Kurt prods.

 

“Yes. It is. But I’ll tell you when it’s been finalized.”

 

“Oh, come on Cedes, you know all of my inner secrets. Give me a hint.”

 

“Hell to the no, Kurt Hummel!”

 

+

 

A couple of weeks pass by and it’s business as usual for Mercedes. The tour is ramping up, gaining popularity via social media channels. Word is getting out that Mercedes’s show is well worth the ticket price. Her voice alone is enough to draw crowds in, and Mercedes finds herself playing to sold-out crowds. For an up-and-comer, she is doing fantastically well and gaining the acceptance and success she’s always wanted.

 

Things with Sam have progressed, too. They’ve talked as much as Mercedes’s schedule has allowed. They agreed to start out as what they always have been -  friends, putting any romance on hold until they are able to see each other in person, but at the same time, not shying away from flirting, or stifling their true feelings. Mercedes is relieved that Sam understands her situation so well, and that he’s patient. She can’t help but smile every time she thinks about his words: _As long as there is a chance of us being together, I will be patient. I’ll wait for you, Mercedes. There’s no one else for me._

As busy as her life is, she has also spoken with Kurt a couple of times here and there. It’s hard to keep up with everyone, but Kurt is someone she carves out time for. Last time they talked was a few days ago after his fourth meeting with his therapist  He was already sounding better and she noticed that he has been less needy as of late. Mercedes credits that to his therapy sessions. Despite his progress, Mercedes knows that bad days are to be expected. In fact, the day after his latest session, Kurt had texted her that he was moving to Antarctica and never showing his face to anyone ever again. Upon further investigating via text, Mercedes found out that Kurt had found a half-full bottle of Blaine’s hair gel in one of the bathroom cupboards.

 

Now, as Mercedes eats her chicken salad sandwich in her hotel room and catches up on emails, her phone pings with a message.

 

_[From Kurt:]_

_Mercedes, thank you._

_[From Mercedes:]_

_You’re welcome, but for what?_

_[From Kurt:]_

_We had a real break-through in therapy today._

_[From Mercedes:]_

_That’s great, Kurt … but I had nothing to do with that. You should be thanking yourself. And your therapist._

_[From Kurt:]_

_Oh, I did. But I need to thank you, too. I haven’t done that enough and I really, really appreciate everything you’ve done for me, including making me go to therapy._

_[From Mercedes:]_

_Are you kidding, Kurt Hummel? No one can make you do anything, not even me._

_[From Kurt:]_

_Right. Have you seen yourself when you’re in your hell-to-the-no mood? You’re scary. I went because I was worried for my life._

_[From Mercedes:]_

_Ha! Then I’m glad it worked. Call me. Tell me about the session. I have a few minutes before I have to do a Facebook Live. Can you believe it, Kurt? My first Facebook Live!_

 

When Kurt greets her, she can immediately tell from his voice that he is doing much better than he was a couple of weeks ago. “How did it go, Boo?”

 

“Well, it was an eye opener, that’s for sure.”

 

“In a good way?”

 

“In a productive way, I guess. She said that I have a problem with intimacy. When she first told me, I put my fingers in my ears and started singing because I did not want to talk about sex with her.”

 

Mercedes laughs because she’s always found it hilarious that Kurt is such a prude, but at the same time a sex fiend, judging by the stories Rachel and Santana have told her, not to mention, from the noises that came from Blaine’s room when she lived with him.

 

“But she quickly told me that she wasn’t talking about sex,” Kurt continues. “I have a thing with allowing myself to be intimate and vulnerable. I guess it comes from way back when I lost my mother. The problem cemented itself in me as I grew up and tried to deal with my sexuality and all the bullying. I don’t let myself get close because I don’t want to hurt when they eventually leave me … at least that’s what’s going on in my subconscious.”

 

Mercedes hums along so that Kurt knows she’s listening while she eats her sandwich.

 

“Blaine has always been the opposite – not that he’s never had to deal with anything traumatic, because he has. He’s been through awful things too, but he’s always been able to compartmentalize the bad and allow himself to love and be intimate. He was the heart and soul of our relationship, Mercedes, and my problem with intimacy is what shattered it.”

 

“Is that what she told you?” She asked incredulously.

 

“No. I realized it myself. But she told me that my issues have nothing to do with Blaine. They are my issues and because of that, they don’t only affect my relationship with Blaine, but all of my relationships, for better or worse.”

 

“I understand what she is saying, Boo. You can better yourself and deal with these issues on your own terms, but don’t change into someone you’re not. Blaine loves you as you are. We all do.”

 

“See? This is why I called. To thank you. You, along with my therapist and my dad, put things into perspective for me. I don’t think I could ever change who I am. I mean, if I had that ability I would have a long time ago. I’m always going to be closed off and a little bit cold. It’s not because I don’t love or feel, but because I’ve loved and felt too much at times and it has backfired. But you know what, Mercedes?”

 

“Tell me, Boo.”

 

“My therapist is going to work with me to find ways to manage my issues. I am going to learn to use them to my advantage and better myself. In doing that I’ll be able to move forward. She says that I may even come to a point where I’m okay without Blaine,” Kurt huffs before continuing. “I know she’s highly educated and experienced, and as much as she’s helped me, she’s crazy if she thinks I’m going to live my life without Blaine. He’s the love of my life, and I want to show him how much I love him. I really want that. And, he deserves that.”

 

“Oh, Kurt. I’m so happy that you’re getting better. When you called me about the hair gel I was worried.”

 

“I still have bad days. The hair gel was just one of them. The other day I passed by Blaine’s favourite Thai restaurant and lost it on the subway. People were judging me – and that’s saying a lot considering its New York.”

 

“Let them judge. Everyone has bad days, but I believe in you.”

 

“Thank you, Cedes. Now don’t let me hold you up. Your fans are waiting.”

 

“Yes, my very first Facebook Live. Denise will be here any minute. Are you going to watch?”

 

“Are you kidding? I won’t miss it! I’ll be the one sending all the little heart floaties.”


	4. Chapter Four

Mercedes is so excited. She honestly feels like she’s made it. In a few hours she will be playing to a sold-out crowd in one of the entertainment capitals of the world: New York City. In a sense, it’s the place where her tour began. She had left the big apple behind, as well as her friends and her boyfriend to live her dream and set off on a national tour, promoting her first EP.

 

The journey, so far, has taught her so much, not only about the business and the industry, but about herself too. She has so many people to thank for that – her tireless team and crew, as well as her fans who have been there night after night, spreading the word about her talents, professionalism, work ethic, and how sweet she is to her following. Mercedes learned that in order to have any type of longevity in the entertainment business, one has to have the talent as well as a loyal legion of supporters who will always have your back. Mercedes has done all she can to stoke the relationship with her fans, often doing impromptu Q & As, live chats, and stage doors. She loves her “Mercies”, and they love her. Life is good.

 

The fact that her happiness nowadays is due, in part, to a couple of rekindled friendships, is not lost on Mercedes. She and Sam have been talking daily and have formed a bond that is stronger than it has ever been, even with the physical distance. She’s excited for what’s to come when they actually meet up again. It’s looking like the next time they see each other will be at Brittany and Santana’s wedding.

 

One of the best things that’s happened recently though, is having the opportunity to become closer with Kurt again. She’s not happy about the pain he’s been going through, but if she looks for the silver lining, it’s that the situation has caused Kurt to reach out. Metaphorically, she took his hand and ran. They have helped each other – she guiding him to seek therapy, and he making her realize that love and relationships are important, even more so than fame.

 

As she readies her voice backstage, Mercedes is nervous. She always feels a bit antsy when she’s about to perform. Going back all the way to her debut year in her church’s choir, her mother has always told her that being a little nervous is a good thing. It means that she cares. But tonight she is more than a little bit nervous, or maybe its excitement, anticipation, she can’t really tell. It could be that she can’t wait to see her friends in the front row, cheering her on. She had sent Kurt and Artie surprise tickets to her show, asking them to Skype her when they receive the mystery envelopes. They had a three-way call, Artie in his dorm, Kurt in his loft, and she in her hotel room in Detroit. It was priceless. Seeing Kurt’s and Artie’s faces light up and hearing their squeals is something Mercedes will always remember.

 

They chose to not see each other until after the show. Mercedes didn’t want to become too emotional before she was due on stage, plus, the time before the show was reserved for fan meet and greets. She wanted to be at her best game for her fans in New York, and seeing Kurt and Artie would only make her eyes red, her mascara run, and her voice shaky. So seeing them jump and bop up and down in the front row would have to be enough for now – at least until afterwards when they planned to meet up and go back to Kurt’s loft for a sleepover – kicking it back to their high-school days.

 

Mercedes shakes the nerves from her body, bouncing a little and moving her arms. Denise prompts her that it’s time. As she weaves her way back stage towards the wings, she takes in a deep breath then lets it out. Here we go.

 

+

 

When Kurt flings himself into Mercedes’s arms with an excited squeal, she can tell that his voice is hoarse from cheering, screaming, and singing along all night. She wishes that he had been more careful with his vocal chords, given his chosen profession, but secretly she’s happy that he had so much fun and knew all the words to her songs. (She never had any doubt). She greets Artie, too, with the tightest hug possible, happy to see him again.

 

Their reunion is short-lived though, as Artie announces that he has to make his way back home to prepare for a 5:00 a.m. shoot for his new film project. With a promise to meet up for dinner the next day, Mercedes says goodbye to Artie, then turns her attention back to Kurt.

                                                                                                                                           

“Oh my goodness, Kurt! It’s so nice to finally hug you again, Boo!”

 

Kurt pulls back and looks into her eyes. “Mercedes Jones, you were amazing. I am so proud of you. Did you see me in the crowd? I turned into my dad yelling, ‘that’s my friend!’ to anyone who would listen.”

 

Mercedes laughs, “I saw you and heard you. I think it’s safe to say that you enjoyed it?”

 

“Of course! You were perfect! Your voice! Your hair! And that bustier, honey, you look fantastic!”

 

“Aww, thanks Boo. Thank you for coming. It means so much to me,” she says and squeezes him again. “Come on. Let’s go back to your place before people realize I’m still here. We have a lot of catching up to do.”

 

Kurt agrees and offers up his arm to her. Mercedes takes it and they walk to where the getaway car is parked.

 

+

 

Back at the loft, the two friends situate themselves on the couch with pizza and champagne. They’ve showered, applied their facial cleansers and moisturizers, and changed into their pyjamas, ready to hunker down for the night just like old times.

 

“I haven’t had pizza in so long,” Mercedes groans as she takes a big bite of her ham and pineapple slice.

 

“Me either, actually. For a while there I didn’t really have an appetite. I tried to make myself eat, but I didn’t have the energy or desire to cook, so I’d get take out a lot. I realized that I don’t really like take out all that much, so I just ended up not eating.”

 

“I noticed your hiney had become skinnier than usual,” Mercedes quips.

 

“Miss. Jones, you were looking at my hiney?”

 

“Well, I couldn’t see much of it via Skype, but I got my fair share of glances in,” she says with a teasing wink.

 

Kurt shakes his head at her mirthfully, and takes a bite of his all-meat slice.

 

“In all seriousness, though,” Mercedes adds, “You were looking skinnier and I’m glad that you got your appetite and energy back.”

 

“Me too. I wasn’t doing well for a while there. I still have bad days actually,” Kurt’s voice trails off.

 

Mercedes knows. She remembers just last week when Kurt had called her in tears because Brooks Brothers was having their annual sale on bow-ties, and he couldn’t stop thinking about how he and Blaine would go every year to stock up. “You may always have them, Boo, but I’ve noticed that they’ve gotten fewer and farther between.”

 

“Thank goodness for therapy,” he says.

 

“I’m so glad that it’s helped. Sometimes it takes a while to jibe with the right person, so I’m grateful that she ended up being the right person for you.”

 

“She’s great. She’s really been helping me realize things about myself. They’re not necessarily bad, but just things I need to be aware of, I guess. I’m learning when and how to manage them. She calls it ‘being your best self’.”

 

Mercedes nods as she takes a sip of champagne.

 

“I mean, I know now I have an issue with intimacy, as well as a problem with authority,” Kurt rolls his eyes because really he’s always known he’s had an issue with authority and what is wrong with that? “Also, apparently, I’m a bit of a perfectionist,” he pauses when Mercedes raises her brow in amusement. “Okay, not a bit, but a lot,” he chuckles. “All of those things are good attributes to have in moderation. But if I let them get out of control they can really wreak havoc on my psyche and my relationships with others – not just with Blaine, but with my friends, family, and my professional contacts."

 

“Wow, Kurt, it sounds like she’s really figured you out.”

 

“She has. Actually, it’s more like, she’s helped me figure myself out. And she’s helping me find the tools to manage my emotions. It’s hard sometimes, but being cognizant of them in the first place is half the battle, I’ve learned.”

 

Kurt puts his pizza down and wipes his fingers on a napkin, stopping to ponder a bit before he continues. “You know how I know I’m getting better?”

 

Mercedes tilts her head. “How?”

 

“I don’t feel like I can’t live without Blaine, anymore. I don’t feel like my life will be a failure without him in it. I don’t feel like I need him to survive.”

 

“So, are you going to start dating again? See who else is out there?” Mercedes asks teasingly.

 

“I might, but not because I want to be with someone else. I still want to be with Blaine, more than ever. I want to share my life with him, forever.”

 

Kurt’s response confuses her. “Kurt, I don’t understand.”

 

“When I get Blaine back, I owe him my very best self, Mercedes. I want to be at a point where I know who I am, where I know what I want, and where I have the know-how to manage all my emotions. I want to show him that I love him just as fiercely as he’s always loved me.”

 

“I think he’s always known just how much you love him, Kurt.”

 

“Maybe he did at one point, but not now. I need to win him back. I need to show him.”

 

“So how will dating others help with any of this?” Mercedes asks with a voice that she’s aware is very skeptical.

 

“It’s part of the process. It’s me saying, I’m ready to move on. I have healed enough to be okay on my own and go about my life. The fact that I can go out on dates with others will help me have confidence in the things I’ve learned at therapy, and it will mean more to me, and I think to Blaine eventually, that I _choose_ him.”

 

Kurt draws his legs under himself on the couch and scoots closer to his friend, needing her to understand what he is saying. “When we first met at Dalton, he kind of chose me. I was the one who was sweet on him first, but he chose to take my hand, and he chose to become my friend and help me through a really rough time in my life. Then, after we broke up the first time, we didn’t have an opportunity to choose, we just fell into what we were comfortable with, into what we knew. Now, I want to go back to him having lived as much as I can, having learned as much as possible about myself, having fixed my issues – or at least be working on them, and tell him that I choose him. I want him.”

 

Mercedes gazes at Kurt, mesmerized as Kurt professes everything that has been on his chest and his conscience for so long.

 

“I want to answer the question he asked me the night we broke up, to tell him that without a shadow of a doubt, I want to marry him. I don’t know how or when, but I need for him to know that I choose him to be my groom, and no one else.”

 

Mercedes lunges forward to hug her friend, so happy that he’s in a better place, a place where he feels comfortable and confident. “Then go get him. Even if there are a few stepping-stone dates along the way, go get him.”

 

Kurt nods. “I have to find out where he is first.”

 

“He’s in Lima.”

 

“Really? How do you know?”

 

“Sam told me.”

 

“Of course. I should have known.”

 

“You have to go home, Kurt.”

 

Kurt sighs. “School is starting soon; I don’t know how long I can be away. What if he doesn’t want to talk to me?

 

“Isn’t this your work-study placement year at NYADA? Maybe you can find somewhere that will give you credit. That way you can spend the year there. If you can’t find anything in Lima, maybe Westerville is an option, or even Columbus. Get as close to him as you can.”

 

Kurt smiles and leans forward to pour more champagne in their flutes. “Cedes, you’re a genius.”

 

Mercedes tilts her flute up to her mouth and takes a long gulp, letting the bubbles caress the inside of her mouth and throat, the alcohol warming her from the inside out. “You only now came to that conclusion, Kurt Hummel?”

 

The laughter that emits from Kurt’s mouth is music to her ears.


	5. Epilogue

When Mercedes starts singing the first notes of “At Last” aside Artie, and she sees Brittany commence down the aisle on Kurt's arm, she knows something is up.

                                                           

A few moments later, when she watches Santana beam down the aisle aside Blaine, she realizes what that something is - Kurt and Blaine will become husbands before the night is over.

                                                                        

Mercedes wants to squeal.

 

She has been looking forward to this moment for a long time – Brittany and Santana’s wedding, yes, seeing all her friends including Kurt and Sam, yes, but Kurt and Blaine’s wedding … there is no denying that she and all their friends have been looking forward to this day since Kurt first introduced them all to Blaine. It was meant to be and although they’re young, it’s been a long time coming.

 

These last few months have seemed the longest, with Kurt’s and Blaine’s relationship status being rocky at best, but Mercedes knows they’re stronger for it – Kurt is stronger for it. And she is so grateful that she was the one who Kurt turned to in his time of need, not only because she loves him and wants to support him, but because they’ve gotten their friendship back on track. As well, he unknowingly helped her come to terms with some of her own issues about relationships and love.

 

As she waits for Artie to finish his harmonizing so that she can bring the song home, she watches all her friends assimilate into their respective brides’ and grooms’ attendant lines. She notices Blaine’s mother in the audience and Burt waiting for his cue in the wings. It seems as though the stars have aligned for Kurt and Blaine. Although their day has been unplanned, it’s turning out to be the perfect setting and scenario for the two to marry, alongside their friends and family. Mercedes looks into Kurt’s eyes and smiles. He is beaming with happiness. Her powerful voice soars as she sings her final notes. In that moment she realizes that Kurt has made it. He did it and she couldn’t be happier for him.

 

+

 

“Hey Boo,” Mercedes whispers into Kurt’s ear from behind and drapes her arms around his shoulders.

 

“Hi Cedes,” Kurt places his hand over hers at his chest and turns his face to kiss her cheek. “Are you enjoying yourself?”

 

“Yes, but we need to talk,” she sing-songs, and judging by the look on Kurt’s face, he knows he’s in trouble. Mercedes glances across from Kurt at Blaine who has a happy smile on his face, his hand still clasped with Kurt’s despite the interruption of their dance. “Blaine, do you mind if I cut in?” She asks. She figures it’s safe to ask for a moment of Kurt’s time since he and Blaine have been dancing together exclusively for the past hour. “I know he just became your husband, but I only need him for a minute.”

 

Blaine, ever the gentleman, tells her that, of course its fine, leans in to kiss Kurt’s cheek, then wanders off toward his mother, who is stumbling into Puck.

                     

Once Mercedes has taken Blaine’s place on the dance floor, she turns her focus on her friend, who is standing there with a terrified look on his face. She torments him for a bit as she eyes him up and down with her hand on her hip, but before she can say anything, Kurt blurts out, “It wasn’t planned! It’s a long story but it involves scary cardboard cut-outs of us, Sue Sylvester, Brittany’s crazy idea, and Santana not able to ever say no to her!”

 

Mercedes laughs. “Uh huh. And it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that Carole booked a very quaint and private honeymoon cottage a couple miles from here?”

 

“No,” Kurt admonishes. “Wait, what?”

 

“Oh, you didn’t know about that? Yeah. It’s waiting for you two to figure out that you don’t have to stay to help clean up and get the hell out of here.”

 

“I had no idea, but I’m going to have to go find Carole. Last time I saw her she was doing the conga with Britt’s dad.”

 

“I know you had no idea about this wedding because if you did, I would’ve been among the first to know, right?”

 

“Of course you would have, Cedes. Right after Blaine.” Kurt’s laugh turns into a smile because he all of a sudden can’t believe that he is _married_ to the love of his life. He hugs Mercedes close and says, “You are one of the main reasons Blaine and I got back together. How will we ever thank you?”

 

“Oh no, I’m not Kurt. It was all you. You’re together because you are resilient and worked at it, and because you’re soulmates. Everyone knows that.”

 

Kurt stills and goes quiet, and when Mercedes leans back and looks at him, she can see the tears welling in his eyes. “I don’t know what I would’ve done without your friendship, Cedes. Thank you so much for everything. I know you’ve been busy and all, but you took the time to listen to me and console me and give me advice. I love you.”

 

“Boo, I love you too, but don’t you dare make me cry. I still have to lure Sam in for a slow dance.”

 

“Like that will be hard. He’s crazy about you and always has been.”

 

“Kind of like Blaine and you, huh?”

 

At the mention of Blaine, Kurt’s smile widens, and Mercedes can see when Kurt’s eyes roam the dance floor in search of his husband. “I guess I am a little crazy about him,” he says.

 

“And he’s crazy about you.”

 

“I suppose that’s a good thing considering we just vowed to spend the rest of our lives together.”

 

Mercedes nods. “It’s the end of an era, and the beginning of a new one.”

 

Kurt watches Blaine walk back towards him from across the room, stopping to place a hand on Sam’s shoulder and guide him towards the dancing pair. Kurt spins Mercedes one more time, knowing that Blaine and Sam will want to cut in. “Here’s to a new era of friendship and love.”

 

“To friendship and love,” Mercedes mimics and plants a kiss to Kurt’s cheek.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song, At Last, belongs to Etta James.  
> The title is taken from Shake it Out by Florence & the Machine.  
> I OWN NOTHING
> 
> Comments are like love :)


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